Thursday, 24 September 2015

alfatihah arwah tok

so, i'm not writing this down in anger or anything. but there's an increasing number of kids coming from separated families and we almost never hear their side of the story. at least, not in this country.

i'm grateful that my father wasn't abusive or a cheater. i'm thankful that my mother wasn't negligent or weak. i came from good people, just that sometimes good people can't stay together. so they separated.

i don't blame them, because it wasn't their fault. to be honest, i'm glad that they're not still together, because both of them would've been miserable. and miserable parents make miserable kids.

but i won't advocate divorce, if all you've gotta do to stay together is grit your teeth and ride through the bad times.

i've seen too many unthoughtful divorces. 'gila talak', we usually say. i'm sure they've thought of the kids before getting a divorce, but i'm also sure they didn't think it through.

let me tell you some of what divorced kids have to go through, and sometimes it lasts forever.

1) the bickering parents. mum will at some point say things about dad, vice versa. even if it is just to 'enlighten' the kids about what happened in the past. or maybe they made some side, pointless comment. US, THE KIDS, are the ones caught up in between.

2) like it or not, when the parents are not living under the same roof, the relationship with one parent will be severed. honestly, even complete families experience this, a child will be closer to one parent compared to the other. so imagine when you take one parent away.

3) kids will lose a father or mother figure. kids usually will stay with their mum, so they will usually lose a father figure in the house. i can't even imagine to describe this. i feel so awkward when visiting friends and they have their father in the house. my brother lost a male figure while going through adolescence. it's the little things that add up.

4) marriage for the kids? i see happily married couples with kids and i'm green with envy. but we're scared. there's a lot of pressure we put on ourselves for not ending up divorced as well, hence trying to find the 'perfect' partner. which is a difficult thing to think of when you're nowhere near married yourself.

5) not many people understand what it's like having divorced parents. people might understand that we came from a bad family. people also might think that the kids are 'damaged'. everyone is damaged in one way or another as you go through life. but there's usually so much drama surrounding a divorce and thus the 'damage' is amplified. or maybe people just don't want to dirty their hands. simply put, divorce is a bad thing.

...

the only point to my babbling, is this:

three days ago, my grandmother on my father's side passed away.

i was with my mother, visiting an extended family in kelantan.

my grandma passed away in kl, to be buried in kedah.

i so badly wanted to see her before she was buried. i so wanted to go back to kedah, right there and then.

but i couldn't. what choice do i have? drive alone to kedah from kelantan? that's easily a 6 hour journey.

i was crying on and off the whole day.

that night my extended grandfather was making some flippant comment about me reading a novel. i don't usually take whatever he says to heart, because he's sick and sometimes sick people say things. and i don't think he knew that my grandma passed away that day.

i was sad and sensitive and that comment was what pushed me off the edge.

i cried, for hours.

i had to hide, of course, because who would even understand my tears?

at that moment in time, i just wish.. that none of this ever happened.

that my parents weren't separated. that i don't have to go with my mum to visit her extended family.

because in normal circumstances, i can be there for my grandmother for the last time.

i can see her for the last time.

because in normal circumstances, we'd all be together instead of separated.

all i wanted was to see my grandma, for the last time.

...

i don't blame anyone. i truly don't.

but why... why..?

why can't i see her for the last time..?

...

so these.. are the reasons, why one should think before getting a divorce, should think of before getting married, even.

because your kids are the ones who suffer. your kids are the ones who will always, always have to choose because of a choice you made.

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