Sunday, 2 August 2015

for the first time

i am a bit obsessed.

i came from a broken family,
i think that's the reason why i wanted to marry young.
i wanted a complete family of my own.

i've been through relationships and break-ups
like a girl changes clothes.

it's not exactly 'play' for me.
each time i've thought,
'this is it.
this is my forever.'
but time and time again,
He proves that He has something else for me.

then after the last time,
i gave up.
it took me a heck of a long time to move on,
but i did.

ever since then i closed off my heart.
i don't want to search anymore.
i don't want to fight anymore.
enough is enough:
i want to be my own person
without anyone else in the way.

and for close to two years now, 
i did.

two years might not be such a long time.
but two years is a long time for me.
like i said,
i used to change boys like i change clothes.

in search of my forever happiness,
i forgot that my happiness is my own responsibility.

i love being alone.
i've thought of staying alone, forever.
alone, no one's heart gets broken.
i don't give out promises i can't keep.
i'm not being handed false hope on a silver platter.
there's no one i need to please but me.
i may be alone, but i don't feel lonely.

because before, 
i've felt crushing loneliness even when i wasn't alone.

i didn't think i could ever open up my heart to anyone again.

it seems so stupid.
to have learnt all this and still trust?

but then..

i am stupid.

i am trying to close off again.
it's my second nature now,
because i'm always so scared.

but i want to try again.
is that so bad?

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