Saturday, 22 August 2015

ketika ini

ada banyak perkara
yang bercelaru dalam hati,
berselirat dalam kepala.

kadangkala aku fikir,
macam mana laa agaknya orang yang takde Tuhan?
sebab bila ada hari2 yang aku hilang semangat,
aku akan sebut 'hope everything goes well, insyaAllah.'
insyaAllah. dengan izin Allah.

kau tahu tak perasaan on the precipice of something big..?
aku dah ada perasaan ni dekat sebulan.
dia datang dan pergi, tapi dia ada.
aku macam rasa takut.
takut gile.

serabut.

...

may Allah ease everything.

in Him i place all my hope and prayers.
all i want,
is just to be someone better.

jangan jadi manusia yang keji

copy pasted from my entry from another blog, dated 29th may 2014.


hari ni, possibly hari paling disaster untuk aku tahun ni.

...

ingatan buat diri sendiri di masa akan datang,

bila Tuhan dah pinjamkan sedikit kuasa,

sedikit ilmu,

dan sedikit pengalaman:

1) sebesar-besar ko nanti, ko pernah merasa jadi sekecik-kecik aku sekarang. jangan lupa.

2) layan manusia lain macam manusia, tak kira pangkat, tak kira umur, tak kira dia tu siapa.

3) bersabar laa dalam mengajar. ko pun pernah rasa bodoh dan tak tahu, jadi bila dah pandai, tak payah nak berlagak sangat.

4) bila ada kuasa, tolong laa guna kuasa tu sebaiknya. bukan untuk pijak orang sesuka hati, walaupun orang tu tak penting pada ko.

5) jangan sesuka hati nak marah orang, lagi-lagi bila ko sendiri tengah marah. tarik nafas. fikir dulu panjang-panjang.

6) kalau orang tu diam, jangan assume dia tu sombong atau kurang ajar atau nak tunjuk pandai. mungkin dia segan. mungkin dia malu. segala macam kemungkinan.

7) jaga attitude dengan orang. takpe laa berat mulut sikit, jangan berat nak senyum. senyum. senyum. bagi orang tau yang ko ni bukan singa nak makan orang.

8) tegas dalam kerja. tapi jangan jadi unreasonable.

9) perangai ko jangan nak ikut mood ko sangat. orang lain pun ada mood, bukan ko sorang je, tahu.

10) last but not least, jangan jadi manusia yang keji. fikir sendiri laa apa definisi keji, semua yang terlintas dalam kepala, semua ko jangan jadi.

...

aku sedar sendiri, yang aku ni serius tak ready nak jadi FRP lagi. tapi tinggal hanya 6 bulan je untuk aku me-ready-kan diri.

bak kata kak najwar kat kawan aku:

'awak perhati laa FRP sekarang. lepas tu nanti pilih, awak nak jadi FRP yang macam mana'

aku dah ada a few persons in mind. mudah-mudahan aku boleh jadi macam diorang nanti, insyaAllah.

Sunday, 2 August 2015

for the first time

i am a bit obsessed.

i came from a broken family,
i think that's the reason why i wanted to marry young.
i wanted a complete family of my own.

i've been through relationships and break-ups
like a girl changes clothes.

it's not exactly 'play' for me.
each time i've thought,
'this is it.
this is my forever.'
but time and time again,
He proves that He has something else for me.

then after the last time,
i gave up.
it took me a heck of a long time to move on,
but i did.

ever since then i closed off my heart.
i don't want to search anymore.
i don't want to fight anymore.
enough is enough:
i want to be my own person
without anyone else in the way.

and for close to two years now, 
i did.

two years might not be such a long time.
but two years is a long time for me.
like i said,
i used to change boys like i change clothes.

in search of my forever happiness,
i forgot that my happiness is my own responsibility.

i love being alone.
i've thought of staying alone, forever.
alone, no one's heart gets broken.
i don't give out promises i can't keep.
i'm not being handed false hope on a silver platter.
there's no one i need to please but me.
i may be alone, but i don't feel lonely.

because before, 
i've felt crushing loneliness even when i wasn't alone.

i didn't think i could ever open up my heart to anyone again.

it seems so stupid.
to have learnt all this and still trust?

but then..

i am stupid.

i am trying to close off again.
it's my second nature now,
because i'm always so scared.

but i want to try again.
is that so bad?