i suffer from quite a terrible feeling of inadequacy.
like, what i do and have done are never enough.
i realize that i've done a few things when i made the post 'create' -
they're not significant but it is proof that i have done things.
they're not perfect but i tried.
so let this list be a reminder of what i can do.
let this remind me that i must not succumb to my fears,
and i should grab the opportunity when it comes flying to my face.
1) i survived high school. i hated high school, i was too young to understand that boys aren't everything and you should worry less and spend time loving yourself more. i got good grades as well, not perfect, but good enough to get me to where i wanted to go. that's something i should always remember to be thankful for.
2) after school, i worked at mcd. just to pass the time, i didn't even need the money. i remember not being afraid of customers - unlike the way i am more guarded with my patients now - i was.. gregarious. outrageous. i honestly did so many mistakes in that few months of my life compared to the 17 years before that. but i learned, that freedom is not all fun and hurt-free.
3) my matriculation year went great. i was still immature, but it was my first experience away from home. i never cried over petty things - yes, i didn't know how to work that washing machine but i asked for my roommate's help and everything went fine. i remember that i loved putting up my clothes to dry in a neat row on the clothesline. i remember the serenity. i remember the first time my eyes were opened and suddenly the world includes so many more people than just me. i remember being told off by someone for wearing a 'short' t-shirt - i never had the experience of someone telling me i cannot wear what i want to wear. i remember that at 18, i wasn't scared of anything the world has to offer.
4) i remember my innocence when i first got into uni. i remember being irreparably broken, and less than a year after that, broken again. oh, i made so many mistakes. instead of letting myself learn from them, i became jaded. i became scared. i graduated on time, which sounds bad, i should've said i graduated with flying colours or some sort, but i didn't. but i graduated, with a lifelong love for Penang.
5) my pre-reg year at a hospital. again, more lessons about how unfair the world can be, how selfish people can be when their careers are on the line. i didn't get into any major work drama, but it could so easily have been me. i learned that i do not tolerate sloppiness. mistakes are allowed, but not general laziness and carelessness. i learned that these are my pet peeves at work. this is the only year since high school that i didn't get into any boy drama, possibly because i was trying to heal. but they're right, time heals everything. even when at the time, you can't see past the hurt.. persevere, good times are ahead.
6) where i am today? i am consciously choosing to take the job i love that entails all the hectic and stress that i'm not sure i'm prepared for, against the more laid-back, boring job. i'm scared, to be honest. but i'm not going to let my fears overwhelm me. be strong, me.
good times are ahead.
have faith in yourself.
you can do whatever the world has chosen to throw at you.