Wednesday, 29 April 2015

calar balar

i don't consider myself as a very sensitive person.

in fact, one of my many weakness is my inability to empathise.
i can, of course, if you give me an hour or two to mull over the issue.
but when a disaster strikes, i don't feel an overwhelming wave of sadness.
i usually feel nothing.

this may make me seem like a bad person --
maybe i am.

but things happen here that makes my heart bleed every day.

i may not be able to mourn the catastrophes that happen far away from me.
but i see them here every day and my heart aches.
it feels like i'm carrying a ton of rock in my chest.

i don't cry for lives lost on the other side of the world.
how can i?
when here, where we're all fed and safe,
we can't be civil to the next person.
forget niceties, forget sweet smiles and happy faces.
i'm talking about civility.

i can't imagine being you guys,
how much anger you must carry every day:
how much hate.

and i would hate being you.

i'm scared of being like you,
more than i am scared of being thought as stupid.

you guys lack a heart.
and it hurts me every day.

p/s: i will try to adapt.
but i won't imbibe.

Friday, 24 April 2015

5 days

my heart hurts.
my head hurts.


it's been one week,
i barely survived.
i will be counting week by week.

i can't fix them, surely.
i can only fix me.


i hate this place.
it doesn't feel human at all.


i'm so, so tired.

Friday, 17 April 2015


i suffer from quite a terrible feeling of inadequacy.
like, what i do and have done are never enough.

i realize that i've done a few things when i made the post 'create' -
they're not significant but it is proof that i have done things.
they're not perfect but i tried.

so let this list be a reminder of what i can do.
let this remind me that i must not succumb to my fears,
and i should grab the opportunity when it comes flying to my face.

1) i survived high school. i hated high school, i was too young to understand that boys aren't everything and you should worry less and spend time loving yourself more. i got good grades as well, not perfect, but good enough to get me to where i wanted to go. that's something i should always remember to be thankful for.

2) after school, i worked at mcd. just to pass the time, i didn't even need the money. i remember not being afraid of customers - unlike the way i am more guarded with my patients now - i was.. gregarious. outrageous. i honestly did so many mistakes in that few months of my life compared to the 17 years before that. but i learned, that freedom is not all fun and hurt-free.

3) my matriculation year went great. i was still immature, but it was my first experience away from home. i never cried over petty things - yes, i didn't know how to work that washing machine but i asked for my roommate's help and everything went fine. i remember that i loved putting up my clothes to dry in a neat row on the clothesline. i remember the serenity. i remember the first time my eyes were opened and suddenly the world includes so many more people than just me. i remember being told off by someone for wearing a 'short' t-shirt - i never had the experience of someone telling me i cannot wear what i want to wear. i remember that at 18, i wasn't scared of anything the world has to offer.

4) i remember my innocence when i first got into uni. i remember being irreparably broken, and less than a year after that, broken again. oh, i made so many mistakes. instead of letting myself learn from them, i became jaded. i became scared. i graduated on time, which sounds bad, i should've said i graduated with flying colours or some sort, but i didn't. but i graduated, with a lifelong love for Penang.

5) my pre-reg year at a hospital. again, more lessons about how unfair the world can be, how selfish people can be when their careers are on the line. i didn't get into any major work drama, but it could so easily have been me. i learned that i do not tolerate sloppiness. mistakes are allowed, but not general laziness and carelessness. i learned that these are my pet peeves at work. this is the only year since high school that i didn't get into any boy drama, possibly because i was trying to heal. but they're right, time heals everything. even when at the time, you can't see past the hurt.. persevere, good times are ahead.

6) where i am today? i am consciously choosing to take the job i love that entails all the hectic and stress that i'm not sure i'm prepared for, against the more laid-back, boring job. i'm scared, to be honest. but i'm not going to let my fears overwhelm me. be strong, me.

good times are ahead.
have faith in yourself.
you can do whatever the world has chosen to throw at you.

be strong.

Monday, 13 April 2015


i think i need therapy.

people tell me to 
'snap out of it'
'stay positive'
'stop overthinking'

truthfully, i can't.

i know what they're saying is right,
i know what i'm missing.
do you think i like to torture myself?
but i am too scared,
too damn scared.
can't anyone understand?

i have a few symptoms.
i don't know how to make them go away.

i don't know what i need.
i don't know what to do.
i can only hope this goes away someday.

Saturday, 11 April 2015

little kids

today i spent my morning in a primary school.
entertaining kids and a toddler.

i'm not good with kids.
it has been so long since i had to interact with one:
i have no cousins, no nephews or nieces.
this is an uncharted territory with me.

but if you leave me with a kid, the two of us, alone,
i'm sure i'll know what to do and i'll be fine.
kids in a group just intimidate me, haha.
they're much louder and much more robust.
i'm tiny and i don't impose quite a presence.

but with toddlers,
oh, i love them.
i won't know what to do if you ask me to feed them or bathe them or change their diapers --
simply put, i haven't had an opportunity to practise.

asyraf, almost a year ago.
he's such a big boy now.

but i love them.
their tiny squishy warm bodies
when they grin so happily, so innocently,
when they put their tiny hand on your legs, your knees,
and when they hold your little finger with their whole grip,
it feels like they're clutching my heart with their bare hands.


i might rethink the whole 'no marriage not yet ready' thing
if i could have one of them. lol.

maybe what a friend of mine told me is right:
you'll know what to do when the time comes.

maybe what mama told me is right:
she said she wasn't sure that she could love a baby,
but when the baby comes the feeling comes so naturally.

but i'm so unsure about marriage.


oh well.
we'll see how the next few years go.

amsterdam IV - keukenhof, again (23.03.15)

i probably broke your computer screen from too many flowers.

this looks exquisite.

amsterdam III - keukenhof 23.03.2015

bought combi-ticket from amsterdam to keukenhof,
which means we have to change buses at schiphol airport.
the combi-ticket is worth it,
easier than normal public transportation and doesn't cost more.
i purposely wear red for this reason, hiks.
believe it or not, i laid out my outfit for keukenhof from home.
but..... it's too cold, so you get to only see my trench coat -.-"

she is so tall
(or maybe, i am short)


mama's favourite colour

amsterdam II - an evening

so many people at the 'I amsterdam' sign.
this is taken at museumplein - literally, museum square.
this square is bounded by 3 museums - rijksmuseum, van gogh, and stedelijk.
the disney-like castle is the famous rijksmuseum.

if i had more time, i would've explored rijksmuseum and also van gogh

the tour bike - there's a tour guide in front,
but the rest of the people has to cycle to move the vehicle through the city :)

love locks everywhere

mama's pic, taken by me.

my pic, taken by mama -.-"
i really have to marry a photographer.

Friday, 10 April 2015

amsterdam I - bloemenmarkt

overnight bus we took from london to amsterdam
duivendrecht station

48 hours GVB card, which we used extensively on trams

you get live arrival times at some tram stops. beyond awesome
amsterdam is even colder, can you imagine?

it is 'koffie'

stayed in hotel leidsegracht, which is in one of amsterdam's narrow houses
i loved the hotel, small but complete :)
and location is perfect.

can you imagine just sitting there, having coffee..

mushroom pancake for brunch

Thursday, 9 April 2015

london IV - regent's park & camden town

birds everywhere, crossing the pedestrian walk like nobody's business
i don't get how birds and ducks can be so unafraid of humans
seriously, when you go to european countries?
take a walk in a park.

you get to see so many people taking a leisurely walk, or jogging, or spend time with family

and swans and ducks with green heads and birds
the day i came, it was lightly drizzling

fish and chips at simply fish, camden

Saturday, 4 April 2015


unlike most girls,
i feel the prettiest
when i put on 
my striped sweater
a souvenir t-shirt
good ol' jeans
and a pair of sneakers

and that's all there is to say for tonight.

outfit of the day


an intermission from my travel entries.

all my life, i've experimented with creativity.
my high school years were spent on writing.
they were a blur, the best kind of blur:
you lose yourself in the act of creation.

after high school, probably due to lack of exercise,
(and fear, and self-doubt,)
the words stopped flowing.

high school was also when i first learned HTML and photoshop.
it was the myspace era, and everyone was tweaking their profile.
i prided on my awesomely simple page.
i still love simple sophistication.

i also experimented with artsy stuff:
doodling, scrapbooking, even music.
i discover that i cannot draw.
(i kinda hate drawing.)
and to arrange small things on a blank sheet of paper
does nothing to me.
i also kinda suck at guitar,
i might be tone-deaf.

i marvel at the idea of cooking--
creating something from scratch.
i did a stint of baking when i was in uni,
over time i got bored.
and everyone knows baking without love
is really nothing.

i fell in love with photography in matriculation.
you should see the odd things i took pictures of:
my bag. my shoes. my eraser. lol.
i played with DOF and bokeh when i didn't know what they meant.

this is an embarrassing example.
but yes, i played with DOF on a nokia xpressmusic camera.
it was sort of awesome.

i finally learned the technicalities of a full DSLR in my final year of uni.
i never regretted spending so much time
reading and learning to operate a camera.
still, photography is an expensive hobby.
i now keep things simple:
an iPhone 5s
when necessary, a DSLR on aperture priority or even auto.
fyi, i sorta hate the auto function.

i'm still drawn to beauty.
i keep all sorts of knick knacks
that i associate with creativity
but they are jarred pieces:
never to become a complete picture
in my incapable hands.

buttons, bought around 6 years ago

a few from my sticker collection. clips and such.

'polaroid' cards, i usually use them as postcards/gift tags.
bought in my final year of uni.

i also love washi tapes, hand-made papers, ribbons, lace..
i use my sharpie at work.
there are tonnes of artsy stuff at daiso, it's heaven.
i just haven't bought any, because i don't know what to do with them.

i think i need to get back to writing.
i have to push through this block.

create something new every day, it will keep you happy.
i have to keep on trying.

london III - portobello market on a saturday

Friday, 3 April 2015

london II - almost everything significant, i guess

who would've thought that their bus station is inside a mall?
hammersmith broadway centre.
no joke.

wellington arch,
at hyde park corner.

it was a cold morning.
grey skies, cold cold cold.

horse carriages!

bald trees.
still very early spring.
spot the flowers :)