Saturday, 21 February 2015

being me

i'm finally at that point of my life where i don't care what people think of me.

...

i'm not a nice person.
i can count the good things i've done for other people.
but i'm not bad, either.
and that's okay.

i'm done trying to be a perfect anything.
i figured that this attitude might not win me friends
but even then, i know that it'll win me the people i need.

dr seuss said it once:
those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.

...

i'm finally happy being me.
imperfect me -
stubborn, childish, emotional.
and i'm not going to be sorry for flicking away the people who can't see that.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

nervous excitement

i will be going to europe in march.
my flight takes off in exactly 32 days.
i am wildly excited and nervous at the same time
and it makes my stomach go all crampy on me.

london
piccadilly circus

this is the first vacation in which i am actively planning everything.
accommodation, transport, itinerary, where to eat, where to pray.
everything.
overwhelming? yes.

it's a brand new continent, FOUR countries that i have never been to.
i don't even speak the language of three of them.
and i get to plan everything.
overwhelming? yes.

but also exhilarating.

amsterdam canals
dancing building at damrak

keukenhof

fyi, i've always loved old buildings.
which is why i'm terribly excited.
london, amsterdam, and paris have so many of them.

i don't understand architecture.
never did, probably never will.
but i've loved the structure of them:
buildings built in times where there aren't cranes like we have today.
how defiant, sturdy, strong they are
to hold themselves upright for generations.

this is why i've loved melaka and penang so dearly.
the red bricks of a'famosa and streets of georgetown.
they felt old and comfy.

jungfrau, eiger, monch
from schilthorn

lauterbrunnen

and with views like these, wouldn't you be excited?
i am. 
stomach-crampily-excited.
crawling-from-the-dead-excited.

of course, there are tonnes of things that could go wrong.
we are going at the end of march.
spring is only beginning, it might still be wet, cold, and snowy.

it might rain on us, soaking wet, all the time in london.
keukenhof might not have any tulips blooming just yet, like it did in 2013.
schilthorn might be too cloudy and we wouldn't be able to see the alps.
and paris.. well, paris had the charlie hebdo thing we have to deal with.

but right now, i'm hoping and praying that everything goes well.
because who knows if i'll ever have enough money to do this again.

paris
insanely famous
eiffel tower

europe.
that's the dream.

Friday, 13 February 2015

hari minggu

aktiviti hujung minggu - monopoly deal dan mockingjay

ada ke yang betul akan paham rasa hati aku?

...

pagi, bangun. terus terfikir pasal paris.

childhood dream. zaman sekolah menengah, aku masih tengok playhouse disney channel. ya, memang aku matang lambat. tapi bila dah mula proses kematangan tu, terlampau exponential.

bukan nak kata aku dah terlampau matang. cuma, semua benda kena bersederhana. kalau fikir terlampau matang dan terlampau jauh hingga tak terkawal, hasilnya ialah aku.

hasilnya ialah -- ketidakmatangan.

kembali kepada isu asal. paris. childhood dream.

playhouse disney channel, dulu ada tayang cerita madeleine.

madeleine, aku tengok sambil makan tengahari depan tv lepas balik sekolah.

madeleine, yang ajar aku erti 'bonjour mademoiselle!' 'au revoir!' dan 'merci!'

madeleine, yang ajar aku tentang eiffel tower.

tapi masa tu aku sekolah menengah, europe pun aku tak tau kat mana. hakikat bahawa negara france tu dalam benua eropah pun aku tak tau. yang aku tau, paris tu jauh -- takkan dapat sampai oleh rakyat malaysia marhaen macam aku.

(umur tu, maksud 'marhaen' pun aku tak tau.)

ya, paris.

entah macam mana. a culmination of life's dreams. aku bakal ke sana.

aku tengah siapkan itinerary. eurotrip. london, amsterdam, lauterbrunnen, paris.

tiga tempat yang awal tu dah hampir siap. tinggal paris.

paris.....

aku baru paham macam mana rasa rapunzel, bila dia bagitau eugene, macam mana kalau realiti tak seindah mimpi?

and what if it is?

...

deng, aku dah terlampau tua untuk quote cerita disney.

...

aku dah rasa macam besar. 24 tahun.

tapi sungguh, aku rasa kecik.

aku rasa nak angkut mak aku pegi mana-mana. she is my strength. she is my comfort. whenever she's around, i feel safe.

aku hanya ada mak aku.

dan adik aku.

dan Tuhan.

kadang-kadang aku lupa Tuhan.

kadang-kadang aku lupa terus semua yang aku ada.

macam mana kalau Tuhan ambik mak aku?

aku sebatang kara yang sungguh. kawan tak seperti mak aku.

heck, even ayah aku pun tak seperti mak aku.

macam mana..?

...

mama, i want to be small again.

and be wrapped up in your arms.

and never discover what a scary place this world is,

and how destructive my own mind can be.

...

mama.

Saturday, 7 February 2015

old story

sometimes, i still find myself missing you.

and it doesn't hurt anymore.

it feels okay.

...

love is a funny thing.

you can still be so loyal to someone who has stopped loving you.

you can still love someone who has left this world.

if there is one thing in this world we need to learn more about,

it's unselfish love.

but after all, we're only humans.

even our love for God is selfish, don't you think?

He can stop our breathing,

but He doesn't:

even when we forget about Him.

Allahuakbar.

Friday, 6 February 2015

big bad wolf

i went for the BBW fire sale today.

so far i've been to three BBWs:
once in penang, melaka, and KL.
roughly once a year.

the damage
a mixmatch of autobiography, novel, marketing, and psychology

my mum called me and asked:
'what's the damage?'
'RM59'
'only??'
'that's already 11 books'
'okay okay enough enough'

lol.

fyi my mum thinks i buy too many books,
which i have to (partly) agree.
books are bulky and we just don't have the space to store them.

anyway i try not to buy too much nowadays,
because books are also costly.
i give in at BBW because
where else would you get ELEVEN books for RM59??
RM59 sometimes gets you one book, at best three.

i imagine someday when i have kids and introducing them to their first BBW..
*dreaming hahaha


kids, you have to read because we won't have a TV.
and your internet use is only limited to google 
(and maybe educational youtube).
kesian.