Saturday, 28 November 2015

companionship

trying to be independent gets very lonely at times.

i guess my definition of 'independent' is quite severe.

there's not a single person who can survive being alone forever.

but being alone is hugely liberating.

there's a sense of freedom that is amazing.

but then you get close to someone,

you spend time together,

and suddenly when you're alone

instead of feeling awesome,

it gets pretty lonely.

sigh.

i still love being alone.

but i don't like feeling lonely,

or being dependent on someone else.

my good mood depends a lot on that person's presence.

caffeine, however,

is something i don't mind depending on.

all hail coffee.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

reasons

*another post luahan perasaan, mohon jangan baca kalau tak nak hahaha*

setelah 7 bulan lamanya tak berjumpa, aku dok borak ngan farhana.
we were talking about marriage stuff, and i said something like this:
'aku tak ready nak kahwin lagi. sekarang pun malas, takut gak kalau lepas kawen pun malas gak. kesian hasben aku nanti'

farhana replied:
'aku rasa cam tak mungkin je. kau ni jenis kalau dah sayang orang, kau jaga gila2'

gulp.
this is the reason why i love farhana:
masa aku tak nampak anything else past my own flaws,
dia boleh point out satu benda baik pasal aku.
well, she should know.
hampir setahun gak beliau jadi housemate aku.

i am forever thankful for her.
she makes me feel hopeful :)

and yes, bila aku dah sayang orang,
i try to do anything i can to make them happy.

benda2 kecik yang kalau orang tak kenal aku, tak tau.
things like, bila makan, aku akan ingat dia dulu. dah makan ke dia?
bila dia tak sihat, nak kena bawak pegi jumpa doktor ke?
and aku ni bukan jenis baik sangat nak kisah pasal orang. hahaha.

i now have a friend yang aku dah anggap macam my own sister.
it's a bit weird for me, sebab aku tak pernah sayang kawan 
sampai tahap aku rasa macam dia family aku sendiri.
orang lain ramai gile 'sisters' tapi aku tak pernah ada feeling camtu.

so anyway, 
here are the reasons why i love her:

1) dia awesome sangat. part ni tak tau camane nak explain. she is just awesome, plain and simple.

2) tak pernah seumur hidup ada member ajak solat berjemaah. she's the first one. dia gak yang akan ingatkan untuk baca kahfi hari jumaat.

3) dia patutnya boss aku, (boss semua orang pun), tapi tak pernah rasa macam dia bossy. and dia tak pernah buat aku rasa insignificant and kecik. she really treats everyone as equals, tak kira pangkat.

4) ada hari2, dia belanja breakfast. beli nasi lemak dalam 20 bungkus camtu ke, letak kat pantry, siapa cepat dia dapat. for no reason other than being kind.

5) she's insanely a positive and non-judgmental person. insanely strong and independent.

6) dia omey gile. and kelakar. have i mentioned that she's awesome?

7) dia punya perangai pembersih and OCD tu, sampai aku pun dah terikut sikit2.

8) masa nak pindah rumah ritu, dia gak yang teman beli barang and angkat sampai ke bilik.

9) she's 9 years older than me, but i don't feel the age difference at all. sometimes i have to remember to give her the respect she deserves even masa bergurau pun. because she is older than me, tapi aku serius kekadang terlupa.

10) because she loves me too, kot. hahahahahaha.


truly, i am not an easy person to be friends with.
aku rasa laa. sebab aku bukan naturally warm and caring.

i am not a people person.
tapi kalau orang yang aku dah sayang, serius..
i make a vow to myself that i will take care of these people.
sebab sanggup bersabar ngan aku.
sebab boleh tarik aku keluar daripada depression.
sebab show me that i can be better than i used to be.
sebab by being friends dengan dia pun, aku gain something.
kawan dengan orang baik, kau akan rasa tempias nak buat baik tu.

i love you.
lillahita'ala.

Saturday, 31 October 2015

coretan peribadi.

dah lama tak meluah perasaan.
aku perasan.
aku sendiri tak sedar betapa banyak benda yang aku pendam.

in many ways,
aku tak boleh nak regret yang aku dapat pindah balik ke kl.

kerja sucks for the first few months.
tempat baru, adjustment period.
sape tak kenal dengan working place aku kot.
notoriously known, and not in a good way. haha.

tapi aku belajar banyak gile benda,
knowledge yang aku mungkin tak dapat kat tempat lain.
banyak lagi benda yang aku tak tahu.

kat muar dulu, aku rasa terlebih awesome.
i was good at what i do, and aku rasa takde orang boleh sangkal.

kat sini aku lebih neurotic.
lebih kelam-kabut, can you imagine. hahahaha.
sebab determined tak nak buat mistake, with my limited knowledge.

it's a humbling experience.

aku kenal ramai gile kawan baru.
kawan yang i've learnt to love,
despite perangai masing2 yang macam2.

kawan yang put such an impact on my life,
aku seriously tak boleh imagine life without them anymore.

almost every night dan every weekend kitorang keluar beraktiviti, hahaha.
aku rasa macam hidup kembali,
lepas setahun terperuk kat muar.
marathon, walkathon.
kayak, boling, movies.
paling selalu, pingpong dan badminton.

pingpong tu kitorang open table kat hospital je.
badminton, once or twice a week.
3 weeks back, pergi melaka.
next week, pergi ipoh.

i am having the time of my life outside of work.

despite my ongoing internal crisis,
aku rasa macam life is worth living again.

don't get me wrong, i love my year in muar. i still do.
but you've got to admit, muar tu bosan kot. haha.
keje yang best, sebab tu aku obsessed dengan keje.

kat sini, keje tu..... hmmmm.
but i have amazing friends.

...

i'm sorry for all my shortcomings, people.
i'm not perfect.
aku lagi selalu selfish daripada considerate.
aku lagi selalu lose temper daripada bersabar.
i am trying to better myself.
i really am.

please bear with me, okay.

:)

Thursday, 22 October 2015

feelings

when you find yourself having 'feelings'
and every day, you picture your heart
and mentally scrape off the parts
that don't belong to you anymore.

i'm not yet ready to fall in love.
but sometimes.. sometimes,
you find yourself falling anyway.

this is futile, but i'm persistent.

i have to remind myself at times
that i'm just a normal human being;
to love and be loved
is only deeply human.

it's not yet the right time.
wait.
keep your pokerface on.
hide your feelings.
because this is temporary.

Thursday, 24 September 2015

alfatihah arwah tok

so, i'm not writing this down in anger or anything. but there's an increasing number of kids coming from separated families and we almost never hear their side of the story. at least, not in this country.

i'm grateful that my father wasn't abusive or a cheater. i'm thankful that my mother wasn't negligent or weak. i came from good people, just that sometimes good people can't stay together. so they separated.

i don't blame them, because it wasn't their fault. to be honest, i'm glad that they're not still together, because both of them would've been miserable. and miserable parents make miserable kids.

but i won't advocate divorce, if all you've gotta do to stay together is grit your teeth and ride through the bad times.

i've seen too many unthoughtful divorces. 'gila talak', we usually say. i'm sure they've thought of the kids before getting a divorce, but i'm also sure they didn't think it through.

let me tell you some of what divorced kids have to go through, and sometimes it lasts forever.

1) the bickering parents. mum will at some point say things about dad, vice versa. even if it is just to 'enlighten' the kids about what happened in the past. or maybe they made some side, pointless comment. US, THE KIDS, are the ones caught up in between.

2) like it or not, when the parents are not living under the same roof, the relationship with one parent will be severed. honestly, even complete families experience this, a child will be closer to one parent compared to the other. so imagine when you take one parent away.

3) kids will lose a father or mother figure. kids usually will stay with their mum, so they will usually lose a father figure in the house. i can't even imagine to describe this. i feel so awkward when visiting friends and they have their father in the house. my brother lost a male figure while going through adolescence. it's the little things that add up.

4) marriage for the kids? i see happily married couples with kids and i'm green with envy. but we're scared. there's a lot of pressure we put on ourselves for not ending up divorced as well, hence trying to find the 'perfect' partner. which is a difficult thing to think of when you're nowhere near married yourself.

5) not many people understand what it's like having divorced parents. people might understand that we came from a bad family. people also might think that the kids are 'damaged'. everyone is damaged in one way or another as you go through life. but there's usually so much drama surrounding a divorce and thus the 'damage' is amplified. or maybe people just don't want to dirty their hands. simply put, divorce is a bad thing.

...

the only point to my babbling, is this:

three days ago, my grandmother on my father's side passed away.

i was with my mother, visiting an extended family in kelantan.

my grandma passed away in kl, to be buried in kedah.

i so badly wanted to see her before she was buried. i so wanted to go back to kedah, right there and then.

but i couldn't. what choice do i have? drive alone to kedah from kelantan? that's easily a 6 hour journey.

i was crying on and off the whole day.

that night my extended grandfather was making some flippant comment about me reading a novel. i don't usually take whatever he says to heart, because he's sick and sometimes sick people say things. and i don't think he knew that my grandma passed away that day.

i was sad and sensitive and that comment was what pushed me off the edge.

i cried, for hours.

i had to hide, of course, because who would even understand my tears?

at that moment in time, i just wish.. that none of this ever happened.

that my parents weren't separated. that i don't have to go with my mum to visit her extended family.

because in normal circumstances, i can be there for my grandmother for the last time.

i can see her for the last time.

because in normal circumstances, we'd all be together instead of separated.

all i wanted was to see my grandma, for the last time.

...

i don't blame anyone. i truly don't.

but why... why..?

why can't i see her for the last time..?

...

so these.. are the reasons, why one should think before getting a divorce, should think of before getting married, even.

because your kids are the ones who suffer. your kids are the ones who will always, always have to choose because of a choice you made.

Saturday, 22 August 2015

ketika ini

ada banyak perkara
yang bercelaru dalam hati,
berselirat dalam kepala.

kadangkala aku fikir,
macam mana laa agaknya orang yang takde Tuhan?
sebab bila ada hari2 yang aku hilang semangat,
aku akan sebut 'hope everything goes well, insyaAllah.'
insyaAllah. dengan izin Allah.

kau tahu tak perasaan on the precipice of something big..?
aku dah ada perasaan ni dekat sebulan.
dia datang dan pergi, tapi dia ada.
aku macam rasa takut.
takut gile.

serabut.

...

may Allah ease everything.

in Him i place all my hope and prayers.
all i want,
is just to be someone better.

jangan jadi manusia yang keji

copy pasted from my entry from another blog, dated 29th may 2014.


hari ni, possibly hari paling disaster untuk aku tahun ni.

...

ingatan buat diri sendiri di masa akan datang,

bila Tuhan dah pinjamkan sedikit kuasa,

sedikit ilmu,

dan sedikit pengalaman:

1) sebesar-besar ko nanti, ko pernah merasa jadi sekecik-kecik aku sekarang. jangan lupa.

2) layan manusia lain macam manusia, tak kira pangkat, tak kira umur, tak kira dia tu siapa.

3) bersabar laa dalam mengajar. ko pun pernah rasa bodoh dan tak tahu, jadi bila dah pandai, tak payah nak berlagak sangat.

4) bila ada kuasa, tolong laa guna kuasa tu sebaiknya. bukan untuk pijak orang sesuka hati, walaupun orang tu tak penting pada ko.

5) jangan sesuka hati nak marah orang, lagi-lagi bila ko sendiri tengah marah. tarik nafas. fikir dulu panjang-panjang.

6) kalau orang tu diam, jangan assume dia tu sombong atau kurang ajar atau nak tunjuk pandai. mungkin dia segan. mungkin dia malu. segala macam kemungkinan.

7) jaga attitude dengan orang. takpe laa berat mulut sikit, jangan berat nak senyum. senyum. senyum. bagi orang tau yang ko ni bukan singa nak makan orang.

8) tegas dalam kerja. tapi jangan jadi unreasonable.

9) perangai ko jangan nak ikut mood ko sangat. orang lain pun ada mood, bukan ko sorang je, tahu.

10) last but not least, jangan jadi manusia yang keji. fikir sendiri laa apa definisi keji, semua yang terlintas dalam kepala, semua ko jangan jadi.

...

aku sedar sendiri, yang aku ni serius tak ready nak jadi FRP lagi. tapi tinggal hanya 6 bulan je untuk aku me-ready-kan diri.

bak kata kak najwar kat kawan aku:

'awak perhati laa FRP sekarang. lepas tu nanti pilih, awak nak jadi FRP yang macam mana'

aku dah ada a few persons in mind. mudah-mudahan aku boleh jadi macam diorang nanti, insyaAllah.

Sunday, 2 August 2015

for the first time

i am a bit obsessed.

i came from a broken family,
i think that's the reason why i wanted to marry young.
i wanted a complete family of my own.

i've been through relationships and break-ups
like a girl changes clothes.

it's not exactly 'play' for me.
each time i've thought,
'this is it.
this is my forever.'
but time and time again,
He proves that He has something else for me.

then after the last time,
i gave up.
it took me a heck of a long time to move on,
but i did.

ever since then i closed off my heart.
i don't want to search anymore.
i don't want to fight anymore.
enough is enough:
i want to be my own person
without anyone else in the way.

and for close to two years now, 
i did.

two years might not be such a long time.
but two years is a long time for me.
like i said,
i used to change boys like i change clothes.

in search of my forever happiness,
i forgot that my happiness is my own responsibility.

i love being alone.
i've thought of staying alone, forever.
alone, no one's heart gets broken.
i don't give out promises i can't keep.
i'm not being handed false hope on a silver platter.
there's no one i need to please but me.
i may be alone, but i don't feel lonely.

because before, 
i've felt crushing loneliness even when i wasn't alone.

i didn't think i could ever open up my heart to anyone again.

it seems so stupid.
to have learnt all this and still trust?

but then..

i am stupid.

i am trying to close off again.
it's my second nature now,
because i'm always so scared.

but i want to try again.
is that so bad?

Sunday, 28 June 2015

paris V - walt disney studios & disneyland paris

it's almost july, and this is getting pretty pathetic lol.
i'm determined to finish my eurotrip posts with this entry.
jyeah! haha.

this is my first disneyland, ever.
and it did not disappoint.
:)



ratatouille
this is paris, after all


one of the good rides yeay


life will out

i've had a pretty complicated childhood.
it has turned me into the mess i am today.
i guess i can't blame anyone for it..
if i hadn't turned out this way,
i would be something else.
and there's no guarantee that 
'something else' 
is better.

there's no guarantee that the alternate would be better,
and there's no benefit in wondering.
so why bother?

...

i've had a pretty complicated life.
i let myself spiral down dark paths
that lead to secrets i could never tell a soul.
and i can't blame anyone for it..
they have been my choices.
i chose those mistakes,
even when i knew better.
and years after,
i still have nightmares about them.

but i've grown, so much.
and i know that there's always room for more.
i need to be more, because i'm capable of more.

i'm scared of so many things,
but that shows you how big my dreams are.
my biggest battle will be convincing myself 
that despite all my history,
i can still be a successful human being.

...

'life begins at the end of your comfort zone'.
every time i get scared,
i will push myself through it.

again and again i will remind myself:
'courage is not the absence of fear,
but the triumph over it.'
the fear becomes a compass, not a barrier.

despite everything,
i believe that i'm destined for great things.
it's been a hard life,
but it's still worth living.

keep your head up and believe --
this is the path that will take you to where you want to be.

:)

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

paris IV - champs élysées & place de la concorde

walking down champs elysees

queueing in front of laduree,
turns out there were two entrances.
laduree was born in paris,
so for those who are a fan of macarons,
this vintage-y place is a must!

baked goods

what we're here for - macarons!

seriously, they create art.

Monday, 15 June 2015

paris III - sacre cœur & arc de triomphe

this is the view from my airbnb apartment window.
i love love love these window shutters.
so abundant in amsterdam, switzerland, and now paris.
every morning and evening, i will be the one to open and close them :)

the view from sacre cœur, montmarte.
also gray, also wet.

sacre cœur basilica.
one fancy fact about it:
this basilica was built with a stone called travertine,
which continuously exude calcite.
this causes the basilica to remain white, despite weather and pollution.

it's a really great view of paris from here,
i wish it hadn't been so rainy..


paris II - notre dame & eiffel tower at night

place dauphine,
a square in ile de la cité

cafes surrounding the square
and people playing football
(although there was a sign saying no ball-playing)

fontaine saint-michel from afar
i didn't cross the road because there was so many cars!
and also, my legs hurt

cool lady in red, reading a book, hanging out alone, minding her own business

notre dame

i look awkward. as always. sheesh.

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

paris I - rainy eiffel tower, musee du louvre, pont des arts

this post is so late, i know. 
i have been procrastinating. 

 anyway, i've loved paris since forever. 
the buildings are pretty, 
eiffel tower is dreamy. 
we mostly traveled with metro and RER, 
and honestly, not a nice experience. 
take a HOHO if you wish to see the city more.

i do love the old metro signs

bad luck, bad weather.
paris was cold and grey and wet.
but there's not many pictures of eiffel tower on a cloudy day.

even worse luck, there's some sort of renovation going around trocadero.. sigh

la fayette
did you know that there are two buildings:
one for the ladies and one for the men?

the interior though, so exquisite

this is.. the opera? i forgot. haha.

Monday, 25 May 2015

5 days

5 days a week,
i fight this battle.

but everyday,
i hate the fight.

...

one year isn't so long.
after one year, i will be gone.

not because i don't have the strength to stay,
but because i have the courage to walk away.

watch me.

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

switzerland IV - interlaken

we went to interlaken just for shopping,
my suggestion would be to head somewhere near interlaken west
as there seems to be more place to shop around the area.

lauterbrunnen is not for shopping, there's barely any shop there.

spent less than 3 hours here,
but the view around interlaken west is lovely :)

mum and flowers can never be separated

cuckoo clocks

swiss army knife
the cheapest one i found is CHF20

watches

where else you can walk around town with that view..

switzerland III - schilthorn piz gloria

people usually go to interlaken/lauterbrunnen for one of two reasons:
schilthorn or jungfrau.
schilthorn is famous for being a james bond movie shooting location,
jungfrau is top of europe.
i chose schilthorn because some say the view is better,
and also it's significantly cheaper :)

small stopover on the way to schilthorn - already 2677 m!

so many skiers

cable car
possibly one good thing about the whole ride up being foggy,
you can't see just how high up you are..
anyone with fear of heights? :P

nearing the top, when the clouds finally clear

schilthorn

the alps!