Saturday, 20 December 2014

life's dreams

most often than not, in life we have to choose.
there's no one i know who has everything he or she could possibly want.

i want to travel.
i want to leave my footprint in every possible place on Earth.
i want to know people
and learn something from them.

i also want children.
this --
has been my dream since i was a child myself.

i can't choose between them.
choosing to have children means that
i have to get married some way or another,
and sacrifice my travel dreams for my kids.

because what kind of mother would i be 
if i go around the world leaving young children at home?
my heart hurts just thinking about it.

(i'm not judging those who do,
i just don't think i can do it.)

and there's also my long conflict with the concept of marriage.
personally, i don't think i can ever be good enough for another person,
let alone mothering a child.
you want, doesn't mean you can.
i cannot be ashamed to admit that i am not all that responsible.

if there's one thing that sedates me, it's routine.
and bringing up a child requires routine.
you have to bathe them, feed them,
educate them, entertain them,
and love them, 
among others.
i'm only certain that i can love them.
the rest, who knows.
i sure don't.

the ultimate battle is this, then:
responsibility vs freedom.
each has its treasure,
the same holds true for its empty pit.

it seems to me that right now, i will follow life as it leads me.
ie i am quite happily alone now,
so travel it is.

what worries me is if someone manages to capture my heart again sometime in the future;
what will i do then?

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